The World Is My Oyster…

…no longer sees it with her sleepy eyes..

In 4.5 days I will be 24. This terrifies me.

My whole life I have been able to envision the future…I knew when I graduated I would move to Florida. I knew when I moved to DE I would work at Starbucks and go back to school. I know what I want to do in the future..but I can’t see it. I keep telling myself “In two years, I will open a coffee shop of my own.” This is my plan, but I can’t really see it. I can’t see anything for the future. This also terrifies me.

I have these visions of myself waking up at 6am everyday, sitting outside with a cup of tea or coffee and enjoying it. Right now I still am unable to do it. I love staying up late. I love sleeping in. I love being lazy on my days off.

I can’t wash my dishes. I can’t do my laundry. I look at it, and even though it isn’t a lot of stuff I feel overwhelmed and tired. Every day I say “Just clean one room.” Then I look at that room and immediately feel defeated. Only one person I know understands.

What am I doing? What is wrong with me? These are questions I ask myself daily. I have no answers though. I am working towards something that I want, but can I do it? I am depressed. I don’t feel depressed, but I know the signs well enough to know I am depressed. I have no desire to cook. The mere thought of heating a left over is so overwhelming, let alone cooking a whole meal. I am living on freezer foods that don’t fill you up. Someone suggested instant oatmeal. I can’t even think of that. I can see in my head these images of me going to Farmers Markets and picking out fruits and veggies, coming home and cooking a lovely meal. But I can’t do it. I want to, but it’s too much.

I missed an episode of Chuck and only  saw the last half of  last weeks episode. When I get bored I say “Catch up on Chuck!” And then I think about it and it is so overwhelming. I don’t even have to move to do that. All I have to do is open at a new page in Firefox, type NBC.com and then go to the Chuck section. It’s too much.

I am out of Q-tips and the store I go to doesn’t carry them.

I make plans and I break them. People get upset and disappointed in me, but I can’t help it.

I want to see the sunrise without having sleepy eyes. I want to listen to music and not feel “bleh” about it. I want to go to festivals and markets and to Kennet Square. It’s only 30 minutes from my house. I have the weekends off, I could go one Saturday. It just all feels so useless.

I’m not sad. I don’t cry and I don’t feel lonely. I just feel empty. I know what to do with lonley. I know what to do with feeling sad. I don’t know what to do with feeling empty. Feeling like a shell with a beating heart inside and no emotions or thoughts. My imagination is broken. I can usually imagine myself away from how I am feeling, but not anymore. I love my imagination. It has helped me through a lot of things. I’ll get it back though.

<3