I am in love with someone I will probably never get to be with. I met him almost two years ago, and I knew right away what we would become. We were best friends. Talking everyday. I missed him when I wasnt there. I missed him when I was at work. Sometimes, to get myself through the day I would imagine he was sitting at the bar waiting for me to get off work so we could go home and cook together. Weve gone through a lot together. Never have I cried over someone so much. Never have i felt so excited to take a picture and send it to someone. Never have I loved someone as much as I love my very best friend. I went to England and I have never felt so at home. My heart stayed. I cried the entire way home. I cried for days after. We spoke almost every day for the entire time I knew him while I lived in Florida. Then I moved. And things became strained. I didnt think they were bad but I wasnt there for my friend like I had been in the past. But I knew they would get better. Then the unthinkable happened. We broke up. Now my best friend is with someone else. Someone I thought was a friend. Someone who turned out to betray me. He doesnt love her. He told me. He is still in love with me. He messed up. But how does he fix this mess. He cant brake up with her, her past is sad. So instead…he will stay with her. He will be unhappy. I will be unhappy. And eventually she will be unhappy. How do you get over someone who you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. How do you get over someone who says they miss you. Who says they love you. How am I to go on with my life while my heart is breaking.
A new season and a rebirthing of the inner self…
September 8, 2009 at 5:53 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: Fall, florida friends
The last week of August two of my very closest friends came from Florida to visit me. They drove all the way (it took them about 14 hours) just to spend a few short days in the little state of Delaware. We didn’t have much time together, but we wanted to make it the best “end of summer trip” ever. So went all over the town I currently live in, ate tapas and Japanese food, and went to this beautiful country drive only to end up in an Amish paradise. While we were looking for places to discover, we found a little market where we bought meat and cheese and peaches. We then went to a small bakery and bought some bread. What would be a better way than spending our last day going on a picnic and eating lots of wonderful yummies! On the way home we stopped at a small winery and bought two bottles of wine we thought would go well with our peaches. We were all set. The next day we made our sandwiches, sliced the peaches and packed up the car. We then set out on what we thought would be a lovely picnic in the park. Little did we know what was about to happen. After we got there we found the most perfect spot between some trees. The sun was shining but it was a little cloudy overhead and the scent of an oncoming rain was in the air. We spread out my old 1800’s quilt on the ground, passed the food, poured the wine into a pitcher with our sliced peaches and just sat, thankful for the wonderful treats we had bought the previous day. We ate in silence, we are all pretty quiet reflective people, and just enjoyed the sounds of the birds and the wind in the trees. Afterwards we were stuffed and decided the only thing to do next would be to take a nap. We cleaned all of our mess up, took it to the car and just laid there, enjoying the smells, sounds and sights the park had to offer. After a while I thought I heard kittens so we all laid facing the forest and listened. Thats when it happened. First a small sprinkle dancing on our legs and arms, giving us goosebumps from the temperature difference. All we could do was lay there, our backs to the sky, and giggle. Then it stopped. We looked at each other, all of us wanting to stay but not sure what the others wanted to do. Then, the sound came through the trees. We braced ourselves for another sprinkling and all decided to just stay and enjoy it. After a few soft sprinkles, the real rain began. We just laid there, getting soaked in the weather, soaking up the refreshing power the rain has. After we were soaking wet and freezing we ran back to the car, off to get wonderfully warm showers then a hot steaming cup of chai. It was decided then and there we had brought on fall. The next day, my friends left, a little later than planned, but they were off. Sunday, though the sun was shining, the air was brisk. Fall had definitely arrived, and I have no doubt that we helped bring it on.
A love letter to Sleep…
August 11, 2009 at 3:49 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: Insomnia, Sleep
When I was young, I never slept. Every night I would lie in bed, tossing and turning, wishing I could be “normal” and go to sleep. I cannot remember a time when I was young actually being able to lay down and sleep. I always would just think and think and think…my mind racing with random thoughts, imaginations, stories and situations I might face the next day. Then that next day would come and I would be so exhausted I couldn’t think. About every 2-3 weeks I would get sick, and basically just need a full 24ish hours of lying on the couch sleeping or just resting, watching Nick Jr. and enjoying the silence of the house. When I moved to Florida, it got worse. I would be worried I wouldn’t wake up for work so I wouldn’t sleep until I had a day off…usually about 3-4 days. I would be so tired by the last day my manager would try to send me home. The Insomnia had become my friend. It was a time when I could think and be myself. I could put my iPod in, and dance in my room for hours, while everyone was asleep. It was a time when I could go into my grandmothers art studio and quilt into the wee hours of the morning. I hated it but I loved it. I was known by it in our family…it defined me. Then, one day, it finally went away. It seemed Sleep had finally won. I went from never sleeping to sleeping literally any time I wasn’t at work or school. I would work an 8 hour shift, come home and sleep. I loved it. It became my best friend. It filled the void that Insomnia had left. Now instead of my mind racing, my dreams were. I started remembering them. It made me happy. Then, the unthinkable happened. Two weeks ago…Insomnia returned. Its back, and it’s making me crazy. I lay here, at 4:44am, wanting to get up and do something. I am driven crazy by the thought of laying in bed any longer, however my body does not agree with my mind. While my mind may prefer Insomnia, my body fell in love with Sleep. Why did it leave? Is it because I started working at night, and it preferred to have my nights all to itself? Perhaps. Hopefully Sleep comes back, and takes the place of Insomnia once again. Because I really don’t know how much longer I will be a pleasant person if this continues. I have already been having more frequent headaches…my mood has become shorter, loud noises bothering me again, as well as bright lights. I am moody again, and I always want to cry. Hopefully it’s just a phase. But all I am asking pleading for is for my best friend Sleep to come back to me.
xxx
White shoes, and denim and khakis..oh my!
June 22, 2009 at 5:32 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: Build-A-Bear, ferrets
I got a second job at Build-A-Bear Workshop! Tomorrow is my first official day, so I am sure I will be back here to let you all know how its turning out.
The ferrets are doing well, sorry I haven’t mentioned them before now. I got three! There are two girls and one boy, and I named them after characters in M*A*S*H. The oldest is a boy, and I named him Major Frank “Ferret Face” Burns, but I like to call him Major Burns. The second is a female, and I named her Major Honey “Hot Lips” Houlihan, but I call her Honey. The third is a baby boy I named Captain Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce, who I call Hawkeye! They are awesome because they each have such different personalities. Major Burns is the naughtiest of the bunch. He loves to attack your feet, chase Luna, beat up Hawkeye, run around craazzzyyy and steal shoes. Honey LOVES toys. The minute I let the out, she runs right to the box of toys I have for the cats and steals them all. She found a secret place in the coat closet in front of my front door. We put all the paint cans in there and she made a little spot where she hides all the toys! I’m thinking of hanging a sign that says “No Boys Allowed!” haha. Hawkeye is the baby of the bunch. I really believe he was a runt. I thought he was sick at first when I got him, but I think he just wasn’t eating a whole lot and was just being little. Now he eats so much. Hes definatly the cuddliest of the three, the piggiest of the three and the smallest of the three. He likes to be around me when I clean out the cage, and he tries to do a lot of things Major Burns does, but he is just so much smaller it doesn’t work. I definatly think hes a lover, not a fighter because Major Burns will start beating him up and he just lays there and lets him..though lately hes started squeaking so I will rescue him. He loves to cuddle up with me and fall asleep in my arms. I don’t have many pictures yet, but I am trying to get some. If you follow this link, this is one of them all eating. This one is of their nice clean cage…before they destroyed it. Yeh, these pics are from my Twitter lol.
Ok, off to see my family! Hope everyone has a happy day/night!
xxx
Fibromyalgic cement.
June 17, 2009 at 7:15 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: Depressed, ferrets, Fibromyalgia
Today…was a rough day. And now I feel like cement. And I feel really alone. Like no one REALLY understands how I feel. I can’t put the chair-leg rest thingy down without help. I am laying in bed and can’t move without feeling pain everywhere. I can’t work at Starbucks anymore. Its OK. I don’t expect anyone reading this to understand. You can try, but if you don’t have it you wont understand. You might understand pain–and I am definitely not saying my pain is worse than yours. But it’s different. My brain doesn’t work. My mouth doesn’t work. My body doesn’t work. I have to go to work tomorrow. I have to go on the cruise this summer. I have to go to school in the fall. And I am so scared that I am going to do these things..and I am going to just pass out. Or die. Or start crying in front of everyone. I’m going to work harder on being a better person. I have to. I need something to validate my life. Because right now…I feel like a waste of space.
Oh. And I got ferrets. Pictures to come when I get around to it…
xxx
Movin on uup! (Movin’ on up!) To the east-side…to a de-lux apartment in the sky-eye-eye…
April 12, 2009 at 9:48 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: Easter, new apartment
Happy Easter everyone. So, today we woke up and went to church. Its amazing how short the services seem when your older. Or perhaps it was just this church? I’m not sure…but I really enjoyed it. The teaching was great and made me sad I can’t go every Sunday because of work. Perhaps I will get them on CD? Who knows. ANYWAY! After church, we went home to change, then my dad, mom and I went to my apartment ( I drove!! ) to take measurements and things. We then went back home, I took a nap ( Yay!! ) and then we went to eat at the Parsons. This was…ok. I mean, I had a nice time, then I got really sleepy and wanted to leave. After we left, we went home, my mom and I took my sister home and my mom and I went to my apartment ( again xD ) We set up my new bathroom stuff, and my tea kettle! I love my tea kettle. And my bathroom stuff actually lol. And then…we went to Walmart, where we were simply going to get blue painting tape..and instead…we got a whooole lot of other stuff, like rugs and towels, and birdseed (whaaaa??? 
). But yeh, we had a good time, and now I can’t sleep because I am way too excited. Tomorrow I work, but only until 2.45, then we are going to go tape everything off. That way when we find the paint, all we will have to do is start painting! Anywaaaaaay! I am off to bed, to hopefully sleep, and then wake up and (ugh) go to work. Night sweet void!
xxx
I think I’m possibly, maybe I’m falling for you…
April 12, 2009 at 8:26 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: new apartment, trolls, Wendell
Sorry I’ve been MIA…Friday I got my apartment! I met my neighbor Wendell when I was checking my mailbox. He is about…80 years old, walks with a cane and love love loves to talk! Then today my mom and I went to the Amish Farmers Market and bought some things (including amazing trolls…more on that later) and we found some very pretty Lilies. We bought them and then went to the apartment, looked it over again, and then as we were leaving took the flowers to The wonderful neighbors, Wendell and Betty, in 2B. They absolutely loved them! We exchanged numbers and information in case either of us need each other. I love them already! Wendell has this cute smile, and Betty is sweet and very lady like. I think this is going tobe a good thing.
So…about the trolls! When I first moved here, my mom took me to this Amish/Mennonite Farmers Market. They have everything you could imagine there, from home made breads, fresh squeezed juices, fresh produce and meats to hand carved furniture, quilts and a whole lot of other things. I love it because it is all organic. The food is simply amazing and the furniture some of the best I’ve ever seen. I guess other people (not Amish or Mennonite people) can rent little booths there and sell their wares. Anyway, my favorite would have to be this one stand where this guy sells all these random signs, and stuffed bears and of course, Trolls. These are the best part of the Farmers Market, for me anyway. So last year, I got one! It was the Pet Guardian Troll (Albino). Its all white, has red beads for eyes and is holding a little mouse with a bandage on its nose. (If you look at the site, then look in the catalogue, you can see a picture of it under Workers. Just scroll down, you can’t miss it!) So yesterday I got another one!! Its a Fairy Troll. Its purple, and so wonderful! I will post pictures of them next post…maybe.
I hope everyone enjoys Easter, if they celebrate it, and if not has a wonderful weekend!
xxx
If I could have anything in the world right now…
February 7, 2009 at 10:37 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: geckos, gnomes, new apartment, shoes, sister, Steve, work
…I would get new work shoes. And then my geckos. And then my apartment. And then bring Steve over.
I worked from 730a-415p today. It sucked. That is a really long time. The first part of the day was really super slow, as there were really knowledgeable partners on the floor and not a lot of customers. Then, we got busy. Super busy. And because it was warmer today than it has been in a while, everyone wanted frappuccinos. Stupid frappuccinos. And stupid new employees for calling them fraps. They aren’t fraps! Sorry. I work with this guy who is absolutely annoying and frustrating, and and…grrrrrrrr. OK. I get kind of aggravated when talking about work…so I am going to change the subject.
Boys! How irritating can they be?! Very. Oh dear…this isn’t a better topic…
I am getting geckos! How exciting! Ive been brainstorming name ideas and here are the ones I have come up with (and the reasons):
- Agatha (Agatha Christie is one of my favorite authors. I seem to be the only one who likes this name though. I think it’s a cool name!)
- Dali (Salvador Dali is one of my favorite artists)
- Monet (Another favorite artist)
- Kinoko (Mushroom in Japanese–I love mushrooms!)
- David (OK, the only problem I have with this name is a. I know a David, and I wouldn’t want him thinking I named my lizard after him, and b. my sister has a stuffed dog named David. The reason I like this name is because of David the Gnome. And I love gnomes. However, I could name it Rein or Poortvliet...)
- Sakura (Cherry Blossom in Japanese)
These are only a few of the names I have thought of. My friends have also lent their opinions…some of which are cute and creative and some of which are silly and ridiculous…(*looks at her sister*).
OK, I must wrap this up as I have to work tomorrow and wake up extra early. Goodnight all!
xxx
Headache..boo
January 31, 2009 at 10:30 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: Florida, lazy, Steve, tea, You've Got Mail
Today was a lazy day. I woke up a lot later than I should have, watched tv for a few hours, went to Khols to get pants with my mom and now I’m just laying about in my room..freezing. I think I will go make some tea. Ahh that’s nice!
So not much else has really happened today. I watched the beginning of “You’ve Got Mail”. I forgot how sweet this movie is. It’s so…clean and refreshing. It just makes me happy and hopeful that surprising things can happen, especially when we aren’t watching or even wanting them to happen. Also, whenever I see it I think “You know, I may not like this certain person, but I am going to start being nicer to them. You never know.” Its worked before, I was nicer to this girl who I couldn’t stand, and she ended up being one of my closest friends! You should give it a try. Some people just end up surprising you with how amazing they really are.
Ooh and I talked with a friend from Florida, and a few of them had made a short video for me! It was so sweet and made me miss them so badly. I miss my old Starbucks a lot. I love my new one, but the old store was just so big, and I had been there for 3 years! The people who I was really close with are so amazing and so easy to talk to. I wish that I had done several things differently, but I saw some pictures of me when I was living in Florida and I was just so unhappy. I wish I could move my friends here and we could all work together and hang out here. It would be so amazing and fun!
I can’t wait until Steve comes home from his moms. The internet is so boring without him. Plus, I worry about him when he is at his moms. She makes him so sad and says terrible terrible things to him. He only has one more day though, so that’s good.
Ok, its 10.30p I think its time I head to bed…
goodnight xxx
